Sensitive Soccer Laduma readers be warned. You must have a strong stomach to be able to handle this story. We’ve told you about the tricks that our Golden Oldies used to get up to improve their performance. But sometimes things went horribly wrong. As in the case of former Amakhosi player, Chief Masatu, who ‘overdosed’ on ‘Mashaba Mixture’. Poor Chief landed up having more action in the toilet than on the field. So, if you think you can handle this story read on... P.S. You might want to put that food away before you continue!

Peter: Pule ‘Ace’ Ntsoelengoe, Joseph ‘Banks’ Setlhodi 

Ace: Cool and howdy.

Banks: Alive and kicking.

Peter: Let’s do it, guys! What’s on the agenda this week?

Ace: Man, Banksie and I have a helluva story this time. It’s a bit rough but it tells the Soccer Laduma readers exactly what soccer was like in the old days. Today this type of thing would never happen...

Peter: What do you mean?

Ace: Ha, ha, I’ll let Banks explain.

Banks: Ey, Ace...I thought you’d run away from this one. It’s very funny and Ace is right. Ja, it’s unique to the old days. You know in the early '70s when Kaizer Chiefs started, there were four of us in the team from Randfontein. There was Ace, me, Moses ‘Mainline’ Mashaba and Chief Masatu. Both of them were defenders but neither played at Kaizer Chiefs for very long.

Ace: We, the Randfontein boys, used to go to Soweto on the Tuesday or the Wednesday and stay there until after the game. We usually all came back together on the Sunday night or the Monday morning.

Banks: Ja...now in the old days, us Chiefs players used to want to feel very good before the big game.

Peter: Yes.

Banks: So you know we used to service ourselves before a big game, neh.

Peter: Service yourself before games? What do you mean…?

Ace: Ha, ha. 

Banks: We liked to be quick and fast before big games so we used to take muti to make us vomit and spuit.

Peter: Spuit? 

Banks: Ja, go to the toilet for a...eh you know… to make our stomachs work...

Peter: Okay, okay, understood.

Ace: Ha, ha.

Banks: This was on a Monday when the four of us were in Randfontein. We were going to play a derby against Moroka Swallows that Saturday and we were sitting around talking soccer. Swallows had some great players and ‘Chief’ Masatu was quite old, he was a veteran in our team and he wasn’t that fast. He was worried because he was going to mark German ‘Cutter’ Kunene, who was quick and brilliant. Cutter was a great left winger in his prime and Chief was a right back coming to the end of this career so he was very concerned. 

Ace: But Moses ‘Mainline’ Mashaba said to us, “Guys, don’t worry, you all know that my grandfather is a witchdoctor. I’ll get you a mixture, a ‘Mashaba mixture’ and that will allow you to service yourself. It will make us faster than the Swallows players, even you Chief.”

Banks: So, on the Thursday morning, he gave Chief the ‘Mashaba Mixture’. Two bottles - one for vomiting and one for spuiting...for you to sit on the toilet. I was staying with Chief at the late Gilbert Sekgabi’s place.

Peter: The former Kaizer Chiefs director?

Ace Yes.

Banks: Ja...myself and Chief were the only two staying there. Gilbert wasn’t there, he was ranking. 

Peter: Ranking? 

Banks: Ja, ranking...he owned a taxi, he was driving a taxi and he was already gone. He left at 5am. Anyway, I was just relaxing when Chief came to me and said, “Banks, I am going to service myself now so that I can take care of ‘Cutter’ Kunene.” Next thing he took both bottles of the ‘Mashaba Mixture’ in one go - gone!

Peter: Trouble...

Ace: Ha, ha...for sure...lots of trouble.

Banks: Ha, ha … I swear to you. I was half asleep, relaxing, preparing myself for the game when suddenly...I jumped out of my skin.

Peter: Why? 

Banks: Chief let out a scream. Man, so loud that I thought somebody was trying to kill him. I ran to the toilet, which was outside in those days. I pushed the door open and Chief was standing there facing me with his shorts around his ankles. And he had saliva round his mouth.

Peter: Oh, no. 

Ace: Ha, ha. 

Banks: But it wasn’t just that. Under normal circumstances Chief had very big eyes...unusually big. Now his eyes had become so huge, they were popping out of his head. He looked scared out of his mind. Chief was just staring at me with those eyes as big as plates. Then he said, “Banksie, man, something’s wrong. I just exploded from my mouth and my bum, and my stomach sounds like a broken car engine.”

Peter: Ha, ha.

Banks: But before I could answer anything, he just spun around, put his head down the toilet and started vomiting. Like a fool I bent over to see if he was okay. Chiefs couldn’t control his bum because the next thing he was ‘spuiting’ from his bum while his head was still in the toilet. I just managed to jump out of the way in time. Now I was the one who was screaming. 

Peter: Ha, ha.

Ace: Imagine, imagine...

Banks: Man, I was screaming, “Oh no, aargh, aargh, aargh!” The more I screamed, the more Chief was jumping up and alternating his face and bum on the toilet. Man, it was horrible... terrible. I just ran out and back into the house. Seriously, I was scared. I mean it was as if his whole body was coming out through his mouth and his bum. And it just wouldn’t stop. 

Peter: Goodness. What happened next? 

Banks: After about 10 minutes Chief came out. He was so weak he could barely walk or talk. So I gave him some Coke...he just took a few sips and bang, he was racing like hell back to the toilet...I think he just made it.

Ace: Ha, ha...imagine man...

Banks: It was scary, not funny. Chief thought he was going to die and me, I wasn’t sure what to do. Someone told me about putting baking flour in a glass of warm water. I tried that but it only made things worse for poor Chief. Eventually things calmed down for him but he was so weak that he slept the whole of the Friday and even the Saturday morning.

Peter: What happened on the day of the game against Swallows?

Ace: Banks and Chief went straight to ‘Mainline’. Banks said, “What the hell did you give Chief?” Then they told him the whole story. 

Peter: And? 

Ace: Mainline said, “Hell, you’re stupid, you were only supposed to take a sip from each bottle, not drink the whole thing! It was supposed to last you the season. You’re lucky you still have insides, Chief, you’re lucky to be alive!”

Peter: Unbelievable, did Chief play? 

Banks: Ja, he did but German ‘Cutter’ Kunene was destroying him...Swallows were leading us 2-1. 

Ace: And I remember we never told anyone about what happened. So Ewert couldn’t understand why Chief was playing so badly. Ewert decided to substitute Chief and take him off, but Chief refused and Ewert had to come onto the field and pull him off. 

Peter: You’re kidding.

Banks: No, Ace is right. After Chief was replaced, we managed to subdue Cutter and we equalised to make it 2-2. But ja that was the Mashaba Mixture that almost killed Chief and nearly cost us the game.

Peter: Well, no more Mashaba Mixture for sure.

Banks: Yah well guys, that’s enough action for now. It’s time to take it easy, just like Sunday morning.

Ace: Agreed. 

Peter: After that story, definitely.