Bruno, welcome back and let's get this Part 2 underway!
Ha, ha, ha, sure, Grootman (big man). I am not going to mention the name of the team concerned, for obvious reasons, ha, ha, ha. We had just had a pre-match meal and then went to our rooms. A few hours later, everyone – except for one player – was complaining about a running stomach and we had a game to prepare for, later. Everyone was running up and down, making endless trips to the toilet. Even on our way to the stadium, the bus driver had to make a few 'pit-stops' along the way because we were just not feeling right. One particular teammate was not affected by this whole thing at all. As you can imagine, he was on our case about how weak we were and all that, ha, ha, ha. It turns out, the reason for our misfortune was the expired polony that we were served and indulged in. The medical team tried to get us some medication to stop the runny tummies.
Right.
We managed to play and finish the game, although some of us were not completely off the hook from this running tummy. We then went back. When we got home, our friend, Sibusiso Mnguni, asked us to accompany him, take a walk to this other complex as he was looking for a new apartment. You know how quiet it is in the suburbs, so there we were me, the teammate and Sibusiso walking down this one street. To our surprise, the same guy who told us we were weak started experiencing the very same running tummy he was having a go at us about, ha, ha, ha. "Guys, I have a running stomach and I can't hold it anymore!" The teammate told us, and we couldn't believe it, ha, ha, ha. We continued with our walk and conversation, with him dead silent, and he started lagging behind. I asked him, "Bro, what's going on?" You won't believe what he said, ha, ha, ha.
Please, please tell us about it!
Ha, ha, ha, he said, "Eish, my bro, ngizimoshele (I pooped my pants)! I made a mess!" Ha, ha, ha. We took one look and couldn't believe our eyes because it was indeed true (that he had pooped his pants). We had to devise a plan because the man was obviously embarrassed. I told him I would go back to the clubhouse and get him something else to wear. He wiped himself with the wet clothes and put them in a plastic bag and we continued with our walk. I'm breaking my promise here because my boy made a passionate plea to us that day: "Guys, can you please keep this between us? This is the most embarrassing moment of my life," and we promised to never tell, ha, ha, ha. Every time he would do laundry, we would put all our dirty clothes out and he would sort them out, which was his way of buying our silence, ha, ha, ha. If we wanted something from the shop, all we needed to do was to let Andile know and he would rush to the shop because we had this secret against him, ha, ha, ha. Mind you, this guy is older than me and before that incident, you wouldn't even ask him for anything because he was so stubborn.
Ha, ha, ha, poor Andile, and the secret is now out!
Eish, ha, ha, ha. Let me tell you this story from my current team, Uthongathi FC. They had just brought back coach Papi Zothwane, with Solomon Mathe as his assistant. The coach decided to organise a team braai, as a teambuilding exercise, at the beachfront. This was during a FIFA break and we were training the following day. We really had fun and later on, the guys decided that we go to Egagasini for more fun. This one lady stepped on one of our teammates' toes and the teammate didn't like it one bit. The lady was with one of the KZN taxi tycoons. Our teammate made a scene out of this lady's mistake, while the tycoon was busy greeting people, as they had just walked in with the lady walking in front. Upon realising something was going on, the guy asked, "Hey, what's happening?" The lady was quick to respond, "I mistakenly stepped on this gentleman's toes and apologised, now he's making a fuss about it." The guy was like, "My man, she said sorry, what's your problem?" Then, because they were under the influence, the rest of the guys made things worse by getting involved. The next thing I knew, one of my teammates was floored by a knockout punch from this tycoon and he fell on his back, so hard, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, no ways!
The guys rushed to try and wake this teammate up. The tycoon then hit the guy who caused this whole mess and knocked him out with a serious left punch. The teammate fell the very same way as the first one, ha, ha, ha. At that stage, I saw one of my teammates running towards the DJs for cover, ha, ha, ha. I was sitting there, unmoved at all, witnessing this whole thing unfold in front of my eyes, ha, ha, ha. The tycoon then said, "Anyone who needs me will find me outside, please come and follow me." Our 'fallen heroes' decided to follow this guy for their 'unfinished business', ha, ha, ha. They took empty beer bottles with, as they stepped outside, but coach Zothwane and Mathe were already there to stop them. They talked some sense into their ears and the moment they told them who that tycoon was, the two guys became sober in no time, ha, ha, ha.
What?
I swear to you, grootman! The guys were sober and that was, unfortunately, the end of our night of fun. We went back to the clubhouse, making fun of the situation, and went to bed. We woke up the next morning and the two guys' eyes were closed, ha, ha, ha. They were swollen, shiny and blue, and you must remember we hada morning training sessio to go to. The guys couldn't go, but because the coaches saw what happened, the issue was discussed and resolved. After training, I get to the clubhouse and receive a call from Sibusiso Sikhosana. He tells me he heard something about a fight involving the guys and wanted to know what really happened. I narrated the story and he told me the guy who beat my teammates is his brother's friend. A few hours later, I receive a call from his brother and he tells me the tycoon would like to come and apologise to the two guys and he needs our address. I went to the guys and told them what was going on. Honestly, I almost died, ha, ha, ha. Those guys were ready to pack their bags and disappear because they didn't buy the apology story. They felt the guy wanted to come and finish them off, ha, ha, ha. I asked them, "Were you not ready to take the guy head on with empty beer bottles last night and now you are scared of him?" They told me they wanted nothing to do with that guy and they could see I wanted them dead, ha, ha, ha. Can you believe it?
Ha, ha, ha, unbelievable!
At Bloemfontein Celtic, we had a weeklong pre-season camp at Milpark's Garden Court. Before that camp, we spent a month camping in Bloem, so it had been a long time without spending quality time with our families. I was chosen by a senior player, whose name will not be revealed, to share a room with him, ha, ha, ha. On the third night, he told me, "Hey, Bruno, I'm going somewhere and if anyone comes looking for me, tell them I am in Lyle Lakay's room." A while later, John Maduka, who was the team manager at the time, knocked at the door asking about this senior player. Apparently, there was a senior players' meeting and he was the only one missing, ha, ha, ha. I told him what the guy had told me. Maduka called him and he didn't answer. So, when I called, he answered and I told him what was happening. He told me to say he'd gone to the garage to buy snacks, ha, ha, ha. The manger didn't buy any of that, so I had to call the senior to let him know that he had to bring snacks to make this story believable. He really did, but the truth is that the man was in one of the rooms in the same hotel because he had booked his girlfriend in, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha! Bruno, thanks so much, man.
You're welcome, grootman.
By Vuyani Joni
